Where things get real!

I really hoped it will prove meant to be. I will be honest here, despite medical confusions I always knew deep down that I was meant to be the best version of myself, and if I am to be honest my thought to be unreasonable and futile decision back then proved to create wonders inside of me. So let's get to that.
Maybe it will help you see clearer. When we broke up, he blamed everything on me. At some point those blame games had gotten the best of me. The guilt tripping became so strong and toxic that I almost believed him when he said that we weren't working because I wasn't making any efforts to walk out of that bloody wheelchair and be with him.

P.S. To quote those were his exact words. Offensive! I know, but hang on.

So yup. I believed him. In my sincere wish to be with him, I just remember saying I'll do it. Yes I did, and believe me at start I really thought that this would make him stay. My family and I have struggled hard through options of physiotherapy and other therapies, but none of it seemed to work. Or as mentioned by professionals it would take up too long and that they were unsure of how to help. But I wasn't confident in their uncertainties. Who would be anyway? So that's when we turned to the private sector whereby Dr Bhaskar referred me to my then surgeon Dr Bhushan Ramtohul, and current medical practitioner. So that is how after almost two years of patience I underwent a surgery in 2017, 8th of May 2017 to be precise. By the end of 2017, or somewhere in the middle of 2018, whilst most physiotherapists gave up on me, Ms. Aanshi came into my life and it was only under a few months that she's taught me basics of how to shift, from bed to chair vice versa, toss and turn, get up and sit on the bed and finally walk! 

Been a while since I practiced all of those short exercises regularly and sometimes automatically (my physical endurance keeps surprising me) that I don't even feel defined by the Disability anymore.  For what it takes, Chris never came back but at least he taught me to befriend my wheelchair and to be independent with or without it. As he left me in pain, he also taught me how to take care of myself. He might have left but throughout all these years I have known precious souls that only added value to my own. 

They reminded me Time and Again of the power behind self-love. I was given love, fantasies, fun and spiciness even. But today, all of that made me who I am today. A relentless woman, who's gonna do anything to live her life. On her own terms. But also a badass woman with a golden heart that has so much love and much more to give. In all of it, my mother and the Almighty have been both my motivation and source of resilience. A dream yet to accomplish would be to have at least one trip alone. A second one would be a trip to Kedarnath and by then, I hope that I find someone who would want to tag along. 

As far as my academic and career path is concerned, my early childhood education started at Friendship Kindergarten. While growing up with a disability raised various concerns around my mobility and flexibility. At the institution and amid my other peers, I would be doing fairly well in puzzle activities. Such activities were my favorite by the way. This is approximately how, at that time, I grew up with my maternal grandmother. It was a time whereby upon release from school, I would take pleasure in watching cartoons like Martin Matin, Cedric, Martin Mystere and Totally Spies among others. At that time, I would be chilling either at my grandmother’s or at home itself. As my childhood drifted by, and my teenager days dropped by, I would become a little bit more secretive and personal about my space and whom I open up to. My teenage days, were also the days when I first started talking boys. A phase whereby, I first crushed, first started texting, experienced the innocence behind volatile lovers passing by. While there was a point in time where I was naive and innocently open and honest about the heart affairs. There also came a time where heartbreak taught me to think twice before trusting. And maybe this is the space where I can actually dive into the theme of trauma. And maybe this is the chapter that might make your time worth stopping by. Should we precise and organised about it,  let's break it down: Trauma is for me something that I help experienced at different levels  and different point in time. The first form of trauma (mild), as a child was mostly related acceptance of myself as a person with a disability. The announcement that one is to live with disability is utterly something that changes life of the individual diagnosed. However, in my case, the trauma response was mostly related to the amount of times, I would be falling or hurting myself while trying to move around.

I can still recall how back then extra precautionary measures needed to be taken to make sure I was in a safe base while I was trying to get around or work. As such for a long time, even till now difficulties in maintaining balance can significantly be seen in my walk. On the positive side, it was not always the case. I will explain. Followed by an epileptic fit (severe) in 2004, a few of my muscles were noticed to have weakened. While I managed to gain at least 70 percent flexibility in my legs before, I had unfortunately lost half of the progress that I acquired with years and months of practice. I grew up believing people telling me that I was lazy and that I didn't really want to recover. Unconsciously or consciously, I had convinced my body that it needn't sweat that much. At that time, I was probably four or five. I was rather motivated by outings and plays rather than exercise. Yet, it was only when I was around my sister and mother that we would have those moments of outings. My father was mainly caught up at work. However, even then I didn't really have friends. My only friend was my neighbour who also happens to be my cousin ( sister). Hence, you could say that my playground per say was mostly either indoors or in our courtyard. Growing up with a disability and that one time trauma caused by the fit brought its own kind of challenges. I hope that by the time I complete this piece of writing, I can synthesise the difference between both the disability and the fit. 

Disability

By the social model, disability is understood as an individual's restricted participation or inability to participate characterised by some factors within the individual's environment. Those factors manifest in the form of inaccessibility to infrastructures, sports and other activities for the persons with disabilities. Becca Meyers examined this inaccessibility as characterised by preset wrong prejudices about the person's with disabilities and their disability nature as the barriers preventing them or barring them simply from acting on their abilities. Moreover, by this model, researchers further argued that the disabling factors are often in the person's environmental settings rather than in their willingness or ability to do something. As such, disability is said to be a socially constructed term. In contrast, the medical model understands disability as an impairment or a deformity that impacts an individual’s bodily functions. Moreover, while impairment is an umbrella term; it reflects on the vast categories implicated. That is the physical, intellectual, mental health conditions, as well as sensory disabilities. Under this perspective, since the individuals are viewed as unwell. Much stress is hence on the assistance and caregiving stand. In this regard emergency services like hospitals and health care were made free of cost. The same was applied to education and learning services. 

Fits (Epileptic fits)

According to the EDYCS and the American Association of Neuroscience Epilepsy is best defined as a disorder in the brain characterised by several repeated seizures. In nature these seizures are said to cause  a kind of alterations in the patients’ behaviour patterns. However, they both  exist in separate categories. The causal factors of such seizures however are known to be generated from alcohol withdrawal or low blood sugar. As mentioned before seizures exist and manifest themselves  in two categories. Namely, primary generalized, and partial seizures. As both terminologies clearly indicate,  primary seizures involve fits (electrical impulses)  that affect the patient’s entire body. In contrast, partial seizures impact only a part of the patient’s brain and causes electric rhythm imbalance. However, in my case, it was rather convulsion fits than epileptic ones. Verily, convulsions are described as sudden uncontrollable burst of electrical activities in the patient’s brain. Seizures of this kind might vary in their degree. Most of these seizures from 30 seconds to 2 minutes maximum. Health care professionals have argued that these seizures’ side effect can be mitigated through medication. As a survivor of Epilepsy, I can testify that  when one is going through a fit; The patient would literally as though they are being held back or caged inside their own body. Back to the time when I used to experience the same, I remember feeling frustrated by the numbness and physical paralysis like sensation it held altogether. Very little research papers existed about this phenomenon then. So we only knew about coping mechanisms that involved chewing garlic and keeping forks made of stainless steel  onto my tongue to avoid the risks that I bite my tongue. Or, upon medical prescription, I would orally be administered a liquid (medical drug) called depakine {120 mg}.