Release Log one

 I let go of moments that are still scarring my heart. We were all informed recently that Sheena is getting married. The first thing that crossed my mind was whether he would be there or not. But above all else, if I should heed and attend it as well. 

It all might not have any direct relations with dealing with things stuffed underneath (emotionally). But that reminds me, it would definitely bring back any memories in the wedding vibes I have had with him. I have neither been able to talk about the bad, painful parts of my story beside Satyam to anyone till date.

At the same time, the other day, I almost mentioned the painful parts to Mellie. But then, believe it or not, I held back. It felt like it didn't matter, you know? Ever since we drifted apart, not a day has gone by without the need to fill this void, hollowness with other things. 

My worst habits are the only way I know. But something's changed. Right after that one conversation with her the other day. It felt like I was being brought to an important point of reconsideration. At times I even asked myself if it's him I'm not willing to face or how it really feels to me knowing he will make me feel small for existing by how he'll ignore me.

Many times, I've prayed to have this detached attitude of his, too. You know? It pains me to realise that every festive season, every ritual ceremony we've held since the last years have felt incomplete without him. So yes, maybe it's a lie when I say that he used to be my bestest friend. He wasn't. He was way more significant than that. He was a soulmate manifestation. For everything about us, used to bring my soul content and fulfillment.

But then, I hold myself in. Since now I understand that no matter how sacred he knew we were together, it is on him that he refused the accountability that comes with honouring them and their path. I don't know where I'm headed from here. But I know now that tucking it away to avoid dealing with it ( feeling and healing) is not going to do me any good.

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